Friday, September 13, 2013

Recovering from Toilet Envy

I have finally gotten over it.

It has taken two years, but I've done it.

No more Toilet Envy for me.  No siree Bob.

My long time readers may remember just how excited I was about my new high-tech toilet with its quiet seat close technology (Toilet Envy blog).  All you had to do was give the seat a nudge when it was in the upright position and it would slowly and quietly make its way south.

I was so proud of that toilet.

But then I read about the Japanese Toilets with all their high-tech features.  And Toilet Envy reared its ugly head.

Yep.  Those Japanese Toilets with ridiculous high-tech features.

See?  I am completely over my Toilet Envy.

I mean, who in the world needs a heated toilet seat?  I don't live in Buffalo any more.  And a spray that washes your "front and rear"?  I'm sorry, but I'll take care of that myself.    An automatic air purifier?  How irrelevant!  

My poo doesn't stink!

Yep, I am WAY over that bad case of Toilet Envy.

Besides, there are plenty of low-tech ways to enhance the bathroom user experience. 

I could always add a urinal.  They do have some creative, funky ones on the market these days.  

But what fun would that be for me?   In case you hadn't noticed, I don't have a penis.  In order to use a urinal without making a huge mess, I would have to use my GoGirl.  

And that's just way too much work for me.

I thought about adding a La-Z-Boy Toilet, but I really don't want to encourage long visits.

Then I happened upon this guy.  The problem is that he reminds me of one of one of my co-workers and the thought of pooping on his tongue was...well.....  

I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm too mature for that.

Then I found the coolest toilet seat ever.  The Guitar Toilet Seat:

Except for one problem.  I don't play the guitar.  And if I put a Guitar Toilet Seat in my bathroom, I'd feel like a fake,

Guests would comment, "Lou, I didn't know you played the guitar!"  They'd look away uncomfortably when I'd say that I don't.   I would hear them whispering to other guests, "Can you believe the audacity of Lou?  Leading us on like that?"

Yes, that would be utterly humiliating.

To that end, I've selected the perfect  toilet seat for my bathroom:

Unarguably Nerdling material.

No comments:

Post a Comment