Sunday, December 11, 2011

The Blind Leading the Blind

There are times when not having reading glasses with me is an inconvenience (such as when I'm at a restaurant and I have to rely on my kids have to read the menu to me.)

Then there are the times when not having reading glasses is more of a tragedy. 

Like last night.

I was dropping off Linda at work when I remembered.  "Crap! I have to shop for the Giving Tree gift! Linda, read the tag to me, OK?"

Linda rolled her eyes and read, "She wants Body wash, deodorant, XL pajamas, and diabetic candy. Elderly."

I do my best Giving Tree Giving when I personify my givees.

I named her Gladys. Gladys is a lot of fun. Bingo bores her; she much prefers poker.  Gladys wants to smell nice for George, the handsome widow who lives down the hall from her at the nursing home. Gladys hopes that George will sit next to her at movie night.

I decided to shop at WalMart, not because WalMart sells body wash, deodorant, XL pajamas AND diabetic candy. I decided to shop at WalMart because they sell reading glasses (so I could read the price tags on the body wash, deodorant, XL pajamas and diabetic candy).

I picked out cucumber melon and strawberry breeze body wash for Gladys. I got some Dial deodorant. And I found some absolutely fetching pink pajamas (with size-18 font price tags). 

George will not be able to resist Gladys in that luxurious lingerie.  Just saying.

All I needed was the candy.

There were bags and bags of sugar free candy. I tried to picture Gladys. Would she prefer chocolate or hard candy?  

What would George like?

Then I had a practical thought.  Is sugar free the same thing as diabetic candy?  I didn't want to send Gladys (or George) into a diabetic coma. 

There was small print on the back of the bag.  Enter the reading glasses. 

I compared the candy description on the back of the bag to what was written on the Giving Tree tag.  It was then I noticed a critical demographic element that Linda had failed to mention when she was reading the gift tag to me 45-minutes earlier.

Gladys was an elderly man.

Shut the front door. 

I wasn't shopping for Gladys.  I was shopping for Herman.

I exchanged Cucumber Melon for a more manly version of body wash.  Old Spice deodorant replaced the Dove.

And the pajamas?  One thing's for certain.  Herman would never wear pink pajamas. 

Gladys would never give him a second look.

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