Saturday, August 27, 2011

Piped Down Peeing

I'm sorry. I can't even pretend that this is a good product.

There's only one word to describe it: lame.

(Actually, there's another word:stupid.)

Did they conduct any research before developing this product? Exactly how large can the market possibly be for men who care about how loud they sound when they pee? 


I don't believe one word of the advertising claim: "The Pee Without Noise Stool is one of those ideas that's so cool we're embarrassed we didn't think of it before. We've all been there: it's 2am in a sleeping house, your mother-in-law is right behind you in line for the potty, or you don't want to broadcast the fact that you downed six glasses of beer over the course of your date."

Yes, I've been there.  I've heard plenty of these "broadcasts". But I've never met a man who cares enough to want to kneel on a pew in front of a toilet to minimize the sound of his peeing!

(On a side note, I actually did hear a live broadcast of a man draining his main vein once when my Body Jam instructor forgot that his mic was on during his visit to the Mens room before our class began.)

Don't get me wrong.  The product concept is not, in itself, bad.  However,  it is completely off-target with regard to gender. I, myself, have been in numerous social situations where the bathroom has been a wee bit too close to the action. 

The conversation outside the bathroom inevitably comes to a complete halt once I've taken a seat.  And the walls serve to amplify my....well, my urination.

But I have a couple tricks up my sleeve for such situations. Placing toilet paper boats atop the water prior to peeing is somewhat effective in muffling the sound.  And, as a back-up, peeing at a 45-degree angle into the water works most of the time (although you can't count on it). 

The people who sell the Pee Without Noise Stool also offer a product for women: Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker. 

"We all know what's it like. You are sitting on the toilet and you know the people right outside can hear your every noise. Well, now we have the perfect product to help you in this embarrassing situation. Small and clipping easily to your mobile phone, the Eco-Otome Toilet Sound Blocker makes the noise of a toilet flushing to hide the other noises you might be making." 

I must be missing something.  

Why wouldn't you just flush the toilet you're sitting on? 
But, back to the Pee Without Noise Stool. It costs $91.  Aren't there less expensive ways for men to pee quietly? Granted, I'm not a guy, but I suspect that sitting down on the toilet might cause a bit less noise, right? I mean, it would, at least, START closer to the water.

Or how about a portable hose going from point A to point B? Something like a dryer vent?

It's not that I think the Pee Without Noise stools are unattractive. I actually like their look.  But their target marketing is completely wrong.

In fact, they should hire me to do their Marketing Strategy.  I would recommend a complete repositioning of the product.  

Introducing the: Puke Without Mess Stool?  "Why sit on a cold hard floor when you're losing your cookies!  Take a seat on our cushioned Puke Without Mess Stool!   You'll be six inches closer to the target and 100% more comfortable on our extra soft (washable) seat!"

I'm a stinkin' Marketing genius.


  1. The ring in the toilet is good for us ole coots in order to hear that we hit the spot and not on the floor or on our pants or shoes. These should be good noises to those who have to clean up the
    floor flood. We need to find a plan for toot odors that follow us everytime we blaze the saddle.

  2. As a man, I rarely worry about pee noise - but in those rare instances where it may be a concern, I just sit down... Wait, there's no money to be made in THAT, is there??