Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Dog Gone It!

Let me set the record straight. I am no Paris Hilton. Nor am I one of “those people” who go completely overboard on their pets. I am way too frugal. In fact, it amazes me to think that there are people who would spend $49.95 on these dog sneakers. That is 7 times more than I spent on the very cute pair of Ked's I bought for myself last week on sale at Belk.

And, please! Don’t get me started on the food! It costs $19.99 for this dog bone cake mix. I mean, I can get a Duncan Hines people cake mix for about $1.50 at Food Lion. What are these people thinking?

But I put my negative attitude behind me when I went in the Wet Nose Oasis a few weeks ago. It certainly didn’t look hoity-toity from the outside. In fact, it looked very un-hoity-toity. So Kevin and I gave it a try.

It turned out that the Wet Nose Oasis is a self-service dog wash spa. But they also had a had a (reasonably priced) dog bakery counter. There were very cute dog cookies with pastel frosting that made my non-canine mouth water. And there were bins containing other scrumptious looking doggie pastries all around the store.

Look, Kevin! They have cinnamon pretzel twist doggie donuts!” I said excitedly. I picked one out of the bin. “Here you go, boy!”

I wondered if it tasted as good as it looked. Kevin sure liked it. In fact he liked it so much I had to take it away from him before there was nothing left to pay for. (Kevin wasn't happy.)

I went up to the guy at the counter. “We’ll take this,” I said, showing him the pastry.

He asked, “Did you notice how much it was?  Where’d you find it?”

“I got it over there," I said. "It’s some kind of cinnamon pretzel doggie donut.”

“Oh!  The twisted intestine. That will be 89 cents.”

The what? I dropped the... the...the twisted intestine like it was a twisted intestine or something.

And I stifled back an involuntary gag.

Oh my God, I thought. I have just been holding a twisted my hands. I wanted to turn and run from the store as fast as I could, but I remembered that Kevin had licked the twisted intestine. (And nobody wants to buy a used twisted intestine!)

Of course, I could always pay for it and leave it on the counter.

Kevin, apparently reading my mind, barked at me.

I gave the guy a dollar and picked up the disgusting fake bakery item using the receipt as a pot holder.

 Before I left the store, I asked the guy if he sold any other unusual dog treats. "Oh sure," he said. "We sell bull penises, pig ears, and ox tails, just to name a few."

Then I got a little excited, in a Nerdling kind of way. "Do you mind if I take some pictures?"

I walked out of the car completely enlightened, albeit  nauseated. I threw the twisted intestine into the back seat of my car.

Kevin and I got in the front seats. But as I drove away, he hopped in the back and started consuming the twisted intestine. I glanced back and saw pieces of twisted intestine EVERYWHERE!

“Kevin, if you leave twisted intestine crumbs in my back seat I'm going to kill you!" I threatened.

He ignored me.  As usual.

As I pulled into the driveway, I mentally prepared myself for the disgusting cleanup project. I’d have to drag the 2-ton vacuum cleaner to the garage. I'd have to find an extension cord.  I'd most certainly break into a sweat.  What a pain. I should never have stepped foot in that store.

But when I turned off the car and looked in the back seat I saw only Kevin. There was not one twisted intestine crumb to be found.

I guess Kevin found the twisted instestine finger lickin' good.

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