The Accidental Pageant

One of the fundamental guidelines for my blog is that I can't be mean.  I only make fun of people who don't read my blog.

Miss South Carolina, please don't read this blog.

On Sunday night I accidentally watched the Miss U.S.A. pageant. I didn't mean to. I know this is no excuse, but I was drinking wine. I turned on the TV after the baseball game, and the pageant was on.

I tried to make myself change the channel.  Oh, how I tried. But I couldn't bring myself to do it.

There were 12 Barbie Dolls remaining in the competition when I started watching it. I caught the end of the swim suit competition. 

I was bewildered.  WHY WOULD ANYONE WEAR 5 INCH HEELS WITH A SWIM SUIT?

Things have changed since the last time I'd seen a beauty pageant.  Viewers could score the contestants using their smart phones. So while the Barbies were walking down the runway, real-time viewer ratings appeared on the screen, like a stock market ticker going up and down...up and down....up and down, until settling on a score. It was fascinating.

And then there were the play by play commentators (let's call them Gigi and Fifi). I’m assuming Gigi and Fifi were former beauty queens from several decades past. And their diplomacy left a bit to be desired.

“OMG- look at that gown! The top half is okay but the bottom half looks like an 80s prom dress. And she's such a beautiful girl. What was she thinking?” Gigi asked, shaking her head.

“Well, Gigi, I’m not sure the audience agrees with you," observed Fifi. "The viewers gave her a 9.8!”  

Honestly.  It was more entertaining than an episode of Jerry Springer.

Again, Miss South Carolina, if you are reading this blog stop here. I think you're wanted on the phone.

Do you remember that 2007 Miss Teen South Carolina interview disaster that became viral on YouTube? The one that made a laughing stock out of South Carolina? ("I personally believe ...such as people don't have maps...like, such as South Africa...and should help the Iraq....blah-blah-blah")

Don't worry. It wasn't that bad for South Carolina on Sunday.  

Not quite.

Sunday night's pageant included videos of the 8 semi-finalists "so the judges and viewers can get to know them better". They were prerecorded (which would suggest that contestants could have put some thought into their responses).

Videos of 7 of the contestants included comments like:

• “I volunteer 80 hours a week helping homeless disabled veterans learn how to read” or

• “My mother died of breast cancer when I was 14 so I grew up fast and understand the importance of responsibility”

Here's what Miss South Carolina said in her video: “I think it’s important that people have hope. I mean, just the other day I told someone, ‘I like your earrings’ and she said ‘Thanks. My husband gave them to me.’ And that’s what’s important to me. Hopefulness.”

Somehow, Miss South Carolina did not make it to the final 4.  Shocking.

Now don’t get me wrong. If I were asked a question in front of 6 bazillion people in a beauty pageant, (Stop laughing!! I said IF. Bear with me here. This is hypothetical!)

If I were asked a question in front of 6 bazillion people in a beauty pageant, I would probably make Miss Teen South Carolina sound like a Rhodes scholar.

“Mary Louise, what do you think is the biggest problem facing the educational system today?”

“Um… could you repeat the question?”

“Certainly. What do you think is the biggest problem facing the educational system today?”

“Can I phone a friend?”

“No. I repeat: What do you think is the biggest problem facing the educational system today?”

“Um. There’s this show called Glee and I never made cheer leading and, such as my home ec teacher could smell my periods. Final answer.”

And based on what I learned last night, I might add.

"I like your earrings"