A couple days ago my daughter Linda and I went to the mall. And no trip to the mall is complete without a visit to the Sold Only on TV store, with its plethora of unorthodox items usually sold only on TV. I bought myself a pair of Rear View Spy Glasses that proved to be very entertaining!
Of course, Linda was not as entertained as I was as I stood with my back to the counter at Dairy Queen studying their menu through my rear view spy glasses and speaking loudly, " Should I order the Heath Blizzard or the Raspberry Truffle?"
For some reason, she completely vanished. "Linda, where'd you go?" I said, as I wandered backward through the mall looking for her.
She thought I should have bought Butt Enhancer Panties instead of the Rear View Spy Glasses. I considered buying a pair, but after carefully studying them, I determined that I could make my own for far less than $19.95 SOTV was charging. ( In contrast, I was not sure I could replicate the $4.95 pair of Rear View Spy Glasses in my home nerdatory.)
I started my project by conducting research and I discovered an extremely valuable You-Tube video teaching female impersonators how to make booty pads. According to Petrilude, the instructor, all I needed was cushion foam and an electric knife. If I didn't have an electric knife, all I needed was scissors and a bucket full of patience.
Petrilude completely underestimated the number of buckets of patience needed. It was a very difficult project, requiring perseverance, creativity and a level of precision last seen in Michelangelo's David.
My Butt Enhancers required several drafts. When I tried on my first draft and looked in the mirror I was horrified. I looked like I was wearing a pair of Depends.
After several more drafts, cuts and blisters, I was done. And I looked just like J.Lo. See?!!!
In fact, I looked so good that I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. I figured that I could wear my Rear View Spy Glasses so I could watch people checking me out after I passed them.
But somebody hid my Rear View Spy Glasses. And nobody would go with me on my walk.
Not even Kevin.
Don't worry. I'll get even with my family for their unwillingness to participate in my... project.
I have leftover cushion. And April Fool's day is just around the corner.
I think I'll make some frosting.
(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read my Poker Face posting.)