Test Driving Trump Tresses

That Donald Trump man bun literally drove me to drink.  I took one look at it and ran to the fridge, frantically opening a bottle box of wine.  I mean... look at it!  Eeeeuuuu.

I find it hard to believe that there exists a hairstyle less becoming than his classic look.

As unsettling as it was, the photo was an epiphany for me.  Donald needs my help.

And although I hesitate to provide Donald Trump with ideas that may garner him additional votes, it's the humane thing to do.    

A few years ago,  I test drove  some new styles and was able to evaluate, and eliminate, a number of celebrity looks ranging from Rihianna to Taylor Swift.

This virtual hair style tool allowed me to select the perfect hair style for my face.  And if worked for me, it would cetainly work for Donald.

I gave it a shot.  Donald clearly likes longer locks, so I thought he might consider the Justin Bieber look.

Woah.  

I think I met that guy at a hotel bar in Georgia back in the '80s.  

I went back to the drawing board.

Since Donald Trump has the confidence of Don Draper, I thought I would try his look, that of a 1960's advertising magnate.

I don't know about you, I think that hairstyle looks way better on Jon Hamm. 

I decided to try another Mad Men look: Roger Sterling.

 

OMG.  How come I never noticed that Donald Trump has a Roger Sterling haircut???

Perhaps he should try the look of another politician. Mitt Romney has a nice head of hair: 

I like it!  But that hair didn't exactly catapult Mitt to presidency, did it?

Wait a minute.

If Trump really wants to be taken seriously, perhaps he should emulate his adversary...

And you know what?  If Donald adopts Hillary's hairstyle, it will level the playing field.

No more distracting man buns.  Or comb-overs.  We can decide to vote - or not vote- for someone based simply on his or her platform.  

Um, Hillary?

I'm also a pretty good wardrobe consultant....

Completing the Collection

I have mixed feelings about the world-wide shortage of Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holders. 

On one hand, I am distressed that I cannot add to my original collection of two.  On the other hand, the laws of supply and demand tell me that my collection is priceless.

Over the years, I’ve had to relax my standards to add to my Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder collection.  I first added Fred, who actually was a toothpick holder.

But he was not Mexican, nor was he drunk.  I gave him a sombrero and a bottle, greatly enhancing his credibility.

I was then able to double my Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder collection when I got my hands on 3 Justin Bieber figurines.  

And with some creative acupuncture treatments, I converted them into 3 rather impressive toothpick holders. 

(Admittedly, they are not Mexican, nor are they drunk, but they do hold toothpicks.)

My friend Jamie got my collection back on track by creating an original Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder for me (see the Drunken Mexican in yellow hat, below).  I added a naughty baby doll and I now own the largest collection of Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holders in the entire world: 8.

At the risk of sounding greedy, I feel the need to add to my Drunken Mexican Toothpick Holder collection.  

The truth is, I’m hosting a holiday party in a few weeks and really want to impress my guests. 

To that end, I scoured every booth in each and every Straw Market I could find on my recent trip to the Bahamas.  

To no avail.

I realize that the Bahamas are nowhere near Mexico.  

But what about a Drunken Bob Marley Toothpick Holder?  Is that asking too much?

Not a single one.

This is ridiculous.  Do I have to come up with EVERY idea?  Come on, Straw Market people.  Okay, I'll build the prototype. 

You can take it from there.