The Unfortunate Greeting

Perhaps I was in too big of a hurry.  Or too lazy to pick up the Voice Mail instruction manual.   Doesn’t really matter how or why it happened.  

The outcome was undeniable: The Worst Voicemail Greeting Ever.

I was heading out on vacation.  I called voice mail and did exactly what the voice mail lady told me to do.  Push 2 to record my greeting.

Take 1: “Hi, this is Lou.  I’m going to be out of the office until um.. um..CRAP”
 
I pulled up out my calendar to check the dates.

Take 2: “Hi, this is Lou.  I’ll be out of the office until June 14.  If you need help. I mean if this is an emergency.  Work emergency. CRAP!!”
 
Take 3: “This is Lou. I’m out of the office until June 14.  If this is an emergency push 0 to speak to my secretary Heidi I mean administrative assistant.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  This is ridiculous!”
 
Take 4: “Hi this is Heidi.  I mean CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!”

I took a deep breath, wrote my greeting down on a sheet of paper and read it to the voice mail lady.

Take 5: “Hi this is Lou.  I’ll be out of the office until Monday June 14.   If you need immediate assistance press 0 to speak with Heidi, my administrative assistant.  Thanks.”
 
I guess it was several weeks before I received THE MESSAGE from Lori at our Advertising Agency.  And to her delight, she was able to listen to my voice mail greeting one last time before leaving THE MESSAGE.

“Lou, this is Lori.  I just wanted to let you know how much we all loved your voice mail greeting.  We all called again and again- just to listen to it.  It was hysterical.  I mean, I probably called about ten times myself.  Even our SVP, who has absolutely no sense of humor, got a kick out of it.  Although I think my hairdresser liked it more than anyone.   She told me she laughed until she peed her pants.  At any rate, give me a call when you have a minute.”

What was she talking about?  I called myself on my phone.  It was my normal greeting.  Did she call the wrong number?

Then I remember the latest voice mail feature, allowing for separate greetings for inside and outside calls.  Uh-oh.

This was in the dinosaur pre-cell phone era so I had to run to the lobby of our building and call myself from a phone booth.  (Remember those things?)

My stomach sank as I listened to my greeting.

"Hi, this is Lou.  I’m going to be out of the office until um.. um..CRAP! Hi, this is Lou.  I’ll be out of the office until June 14.  If you need help. I mean if this is an emergency.  Work emergency. CRAP!!  This is Lou. I’m out of the office until June 14.  If this is an emergency push 0 to speak to my secretary Heidi I mean administrative assistant. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.   This is ridiculous!!!  Hi this is Heidi.  I mean CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!  Hi this is Lou.  I’ll be out of the office until Monday June 14.   If you need immediate assistance press 0 to speak with Heidi, my administrative assistant.  Thanks.”
 
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
 
I made it back to my office in about 10 seconds and deleted that external greeting faster than you can say “I need to change my identity and move to Argentina.”

Although for me, that voice mail greeting was unarguably The Worst Voicemail Greeting Ever, the fine folks at the advertising agency, all their friends, neighbors, extended family, and probably even Kevin Bacon, thought it was the BEST.