Saturday, February 27, 2016

Lightbulb Confusion

It’s not like me to procrastinate.  I was afraid.  Just thinking about what I had to do caused my heart to quicken.  

But it was time to face my fears.

I found a parking spot at Lowes and reluctantly left my car.  Walking very slowly.

I took a deep breath.  I could do it. 

With a sense of dread I entered the store. There it was.  Larger than life.  The length of 5 football fields.

The Light bulb aisle. 

Sweat formed on my brow as I pulled the sheet of paper from my pocket.  Type A.  40 watt.

Where, oh where were they hiding?

I was not alone in my misery.  There were other shoppers standing there.  Transfixed.  As if watching an episode of I am Cait on E! TV.

I began to methodically search the aisles.  Bottom to top.  One step to the right.  Top to bottom.  One step to the right.  Bottom to top.........

 Hours later I got to the end of the aisle and was getting hungry. 

I had no choice but to ask for help.  I stopped an employee. Let’s call him “Bruce.”

“Can you help me find a light bulb?” I asked politely.

“Sure.  LED or CFL?” 
Bruce asked.

“Not the kind that looks like intestines," I said.  "I want one that looks like a light bulb.   You know?  Like an idea lightbulb.”

Bruce considered my answer.  “How many Lumens?”

Since I had no idea what a Lumen was, I said, “I guess 40.  Or 5,425.” 

Bruce nodded and asked me what it was for.  Ooh-Ooh!  It’s for a lamp,” I said, pleased that I knew one of the answers. 

“Does it screw in or push into the socket?”  Bruce asked. 

I was back on thin ice. “You push it in and screw it.  Righty-tighty I think.  Because left- loosy would make it loose, right?”

Bruce nodded and started looking around to see if there were any other customers he could help.  Then I remembered the piece of paper in my pocket.

“Ooh-Ooh!”  I said, tapping on the paper.  “I need type A- 40 watt.”

Bruce walked down the aisle, reached up and handed me a light bulb that was, much to my delight, shaped like a light bulb.  “Here you go, Ma ‘am,” he said. 

“Thanks!” I said, as he started to walk away.   “Wait….I’ve got one more question for you.”

Then, sounding a lot like Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment Bruce said, “I was this close to a clean get-away.”

OK, so he didn’t really say that.  But he looked like he was thinking it.   Instead he said, “What?”

I said, “How many people does it take to change a light bulb?”  

He stopped in his tracks.  "How many?"

"Half as many as it takes to buy one."

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