Sunday, July 19, 2015

Too Famously Hot

On, pause is defined as “a momentary hesitation.

Well, I don’t know about other women, but when my meno “paused,” it did not hesitate.  My meno slamed-on-the-freakin’-brakes.

One day I was an ordinary tampon consuming nerdling who was freezing all the time.   Overnight I became a former tampon consuming nerdling who was freezing almost all of the time.

Until a hot flash struck, turning me into, well, this:

And then back again into an icicle.  Covered in sweat.

This is particularly inconvenient in the summer.  In South Carolina.

And because I work in an office with air conditioning, I am forced to wear long sleeves.  And sweaters.  And socks. Year round.

With the help of my show shirt snuggi, which I keep in my igloo office, I am able to stay relatively comfortable, despite the A.C.

Until a hot flash hits.

Speaking of which, defines flash as “a very brief moment, instant” or, even more ironically, “a sudden, brief outburst or display of joy, wit, etc.

I do not have hot flashes.   I have hot emissions.  Blow torching my body. 

And yes, they are sudden.  But they are not outbursts of joy.  

Or wit.

And if I happen to receive a hot emission on my 5 minute walk to/from my car when I’m dressed for winter in the middle of a famously hot Columbia, S.C. summer.

Well, let’s just say it ain’t a pretty sight. 

I will not even mention all the other lovely side-effects of meno-slam-on-the-freakin'-brakes.

You’re welcome.

Now, over the years I have poked fun at the Japan Trend Shop and their silly products.   

But they have really hit pay-dirt with their Air Conditioned Clothing line. 

Apparently, you just flick the switch and your body cools off, which is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED when one of my famously hot emissions emits.

What do you think?  Pretty snazzy, huh?  Then again, I'm thinking those pockets make my butt look big.  And it really doesn't match my show shirt snuggi.

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