Sunday, July 12, 2015

Attempting Flexibility

To say my body is inflexible is a bit of an understatement. 

I clearly remember the day my dance instructor, Miss Imogene, attempted to get me to do a back bend.

“Reach for the stars!” she'd say in a sing-songy voice. 

I could do that.  I was four.  I was gifted at reaching for the stars.

“Now bend backwards.”

I would bend two, maybe three degrees.

Next, Miss Imogene would attempt to “help” by placing her arm behind my back and pushing me backwards.  

And it worked.  My back bent.

However, my legs went into the air as my body converted to a teeter-totter using Miss Imogene’s arm as the fulcrum.

It’s not just my back that is lacking in flexibility.  My legs open to a 45 degree angle. 


Let’s just say you won’t see me starring in any porn movies.  

I can just imagine the scene on the set. 

Director: “Lou, now place your left leg over Bruno’s shoulder.”

Being the professional actor that I am, I would.  My right leg would follow, possibly injuring Bruno’s jaw.

“Lou, leave you right leg under Bruno.”

I would return my right leg to its position under Bruno.  The left leg would follow clobbering Bruno in his manhood.


And my porn star career would end.  Just like that.

But you know what?  I have just discovered a class at Gold’s Gym that may just change my life.  BodyFlow offers participants a chance to improve strength and flexibility while rejuvenating the body’s systems.

Finally.  After decades of being a stiff I will be flexible!  I could become a dancer.  Or a porn star.  Or a dancing porn star!

Decisions, decisions....

OMG.  I could be a Twerk Star!

Or not.

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