Saturday, June 13, 2015

Linked In on the Highway

I admit it.  Sometimes when I leave work I have a hard time shutting off my brain. 

A thought will come in my head and I’ll say- Yes! I need to analyze it THAT way! Or OMG- maybe X is correlated to Y! 

Or did I leave my soda in the break room?

But my sister-in-law Maureen, of dead squirrel in the living room fame, has way too many brain tabs open on her commute.

She’s been in “hiring mode,” at work the past few days, attempting to fill a vacant position at work.  To that end, she has started assessing drivers on her to commute to work.  

Introducing Mo, my guest blogger:

Lately it seems that my friends on the highway are under some kind of blanked out spell - it’s like someone took the whole organized system and shook it up and tossed it back out. Seriously, dude. Full moon? Who knows. Vernal equinox? Mayhaps. Whatever. No matter.

This morning it must have been my brain under the spell of the vernal equinox because I found myself assessing the goofy driver who abruptly decelerated at the beginning of the exit ramp. I am staring at the back of the head of the driver of the red truck, creating an assessment of sorts. “Crumbles under pressure”, “air of uncertainty”, “reluctant to take charge”, “clueless of surroundings”. Hmmm. Had I been doing this all week?

“I’m gonna give you a heart attack” drivers. You KNOW them - zooming up from the right…”WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT?”. Across three lanes to the left, no blinker, why bother really. We are all too busy calling 911 for our heart palpitations. THESE people - the ultimate poor planner. Zooming up the right lane only to be slowed by …. wait…SLOW DRIVERS. In the slow lane. Yes. Assessment brain: “Poor planning skills”, “slow to catch on” (you know they swerve from the left back to the right only to run into the same…SLOW DRIVERS. Assessment: “must have elevator going to the top issues”, “unable to grasp most basic concepts of community living”, “likely to sneak up behind coworkers and sound an air horn”. “Believes the world revolves around him”.

I’ll close with the most recent, most annoying of all annoying drivers. The two or three who ride side by side, nary a one accelerating ahead of the other. No you go first, I insist. Really, I don’t mind, I’ll just stay right here beside you. I know highway driving is scary. If we all stick together none of these other scary drivers can get near us. As the follower of this band of brothers, what can you do? Sit back, enjoy their camaraderie? Pull off and get a coffee? Drive up the shoulder zooming to 100 erratic MPH. There really is not solution except to assess. “Must have spent time in a convent”, “enjoys singing Kumbaya while holding hands with friends” or I don’t even know what. What??

Unfortunately, Mo didn't find any qualified prospects on her commute.

I decided to help her.  And I think I found the perfect employee!  I don't know if she's knows Excel or PowerPoint. 

But she sure can muti-task. 

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