The Fine Print

Let me start with some words of advice to my loyal readers:  Never make a major purchase without first examining the fine print.

I came very close to purchasing a new product I recently found on the Japan Trend Shop web site.  Dangerously close.   

If was an irresistible deal: $78 for a Facial Lift At Once Face Trainer Facial Muscle and Mouth Exerciser.

A product guaranteed to take years off your life.   

I'm pretty sure face lifts cost way more than that. 

You just pop the pink Facial Lift At Once device into your mouth once a day for 3 minutes and “it does the hard work for you!”

According to the marketing materials, "You will feel the electric buzzing work on your cheeks, chin, lips, mouth and even nose. The pulsing will come in four different levels of strength and in a complete 360-degree spread, pushing and working on your facial muscles little by little every time." 

Is it just me or does this sound like an orgasm on your face?  Wow.

I was just about to purchase this miracle product when I noticed the fine print:

To use: put the mouth cover on, and then place the tip between your lips (without touching teeth). Turn it on and let go of your hand. It will operate for 3 minutes or you can switch it off before.
Do not place between teeth. Avoid all contact with your teeth!’

Wait a minute.  What exactly happens if it touches my teeth?  I don’t think I’m coordinated enough to keep a Facial Lift at Once in my mouth for even 1 minute without it touching my teeth, let alone 3 minutes.

Do I really want to risk my life in the name of vanity?  And who cares how young I look if I’m laying on a stinkin' stretcher in an ambulance?

It would probably be love at first sight for the EMT.   He would comment, “Wow!  Is this patient's age right?  There is no way this woman is a day over 40.   She looks like a teenager.”
 
The other EMT would agree.  "Look at her beautiful skin."

Then they would argue over who gets to treat me.  I would awaken to their squabble, my eyelashes fluttering.  I'd say, "What happened?"

The first EMT would be holding my hand.  "I think you received an electric shock of some kind."

And I would have to confess "Wow.  That was some orgasm."

But you know what?  It's not worth it.  I'm not risking my life so I can look younger."

Besides, why would I want to break some poor sucker's heart when I'm already taken?