Sunday, March 16, 2014

Preserving Poopsie

Not unlike a mosquito looking for a sweaty arm on which to land, I am always on alert for a blog topic.  And when I heard the story of my cast-mate’s strange encounter in a theatre parking lot I knew I’d hit pay dirt.  

My cast-mate (let’s call her “Shirley”) had been walking to her car as “Olive” drove up.  Olive rolled down her passenger car window so they could chat. 

After a few minutes Shirley noticed that Olive’s dog was sleeping on the passenger seat.  “Oh! I didn’t notice your dog,” Shirley said.  “Sorry I was speaking so loudly. I wouldn’t want to wake him up. He’s sleeping so peacefully.”
“You don’t have to worry about waking up little Poopsie,” Olive said sentimentally.

Because Poopsie had actually pooped out years ago.  Poopsie’s freeze-died body was sleeping peacefully on the car seat, thanks to the miracles of modern science. 

WTH?  Surely Shirley was joking.

“Are you sure, Shirl?”  I asked. “It must have been a stuffed animal.  Who would freeze-dry their dog?”
“That was no stuffed animal,” she said.  “Trust me.”

Being the skeptic that I am, I googled “freeze-dried dog” and, low and behold, I found the link for

“A Loving and Lasting Alternative”

OMG.  According to the web site, freeze-drying “preserves a pet in a natural state thereafter, without any alteration in appearance. This allows pet owners to see, touch and hold their pets."

And take their freeze-dried carcasses for car rides!

Am I the only one creeped out by this?  Can’t they just take a picture of their pet?  

And it’s not cheap.  For a 2 pound dog, it would cost $375.  It’s $795 for a 7 to 10 pound dog and $60 for each pound over 10 pounds.  

I looked down at Kevin, and quickly did the math.  $855 for him to last into eternity. 

Or I could take a picture of him for free.

What if I’d gotten a St. Bernard instead of a Pomeranian?  They weigh 160 pounds, on average.  That’s $9,795.  And think how hard it would be to move poor freeze-dried Beethoven into the passenger seat.

Apparently, freeze-dried cats are also popular.  I checked out some of the photos on the perpetual pet web site and found Princess Snowflake, complete with a tiara.  

Now, I’m not really a cat person, but I know enough about cats to know that they do not willingly wear tiaras.  In fact, if Princess Snowflake could have talked, she probably would have said, “A tiara?  Over my dead body.”   

I guess that’s what you call Cat Karma.

Some pet owners had their pets freeze-dried in poses, apparently to make them into more interesting art work.  

Which gave me an idea.  If you’re going to go the time and expense of freeze-drying your pet, why not convert them into a functional household object, rather than just a sentimental piece of art. 

But then again, $855 is a bit pricey for a Paper Towel Holder.  Even a cute one like this.

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