Friday, April 5, 2013

It's Not My Fault!

Brenda Sager's decision to wear her favorite pair of flip flops to Walmart that day, came back to haunt her.

She wanted to show off her new French pedicure.  To that end, Brenda proudly paraded her phalanges down Walmart's wide aisles, feeling quite attractive, from the knees down.

Just 30 minutes later, poor Brenda was innocently unpacking her groceries when the  29-ounce can of Del Monte sliced peaches in syrup unexpectedly tumbled from the bag.  

The can landed on the counter, picking up momentum as it rolled toward the sink.  It would have dropped safely into the sink, if not for the 12-pack of Bud her husband had inadvertently placed on the counter.
Instead, the can of peaches rebounded off the beer and toppled to the floor.  Much to the chagrin of Brenda's unsuspecting French pedicure.

It happened so quickly.  Ronald tried to warn Brenda.  As he said "Look" the can landed on Brenda's left foot, cracking and damaging her previously perfect toes.

"Out," Ronald finished his futile warning.  But it was too late. 

"Son of a $#@^^*!!"
  Brenda screamed.  "That @$@%# &%#$# filled the @#$%#+ bag too &#@*I'm gonna sue Walmart's ass for $30,000."

And she did.

Poor Brenda.  Her French pedicure was ruined and it was all Walmart's fault.

I completely empathize, for I too, have been victimized.  Not by Walmart.  I have been victimized by the Biltmore House

You see, my jaw hurts.  It hurts bad.  Really bad.  And it's all the Biltmore's fault.  

They sold me a stale box of Jelly Belly's.  Which I had to eat.  By the handful.  All at once.

Eating that box of Jelly Belly's was damn hard work, and my jaw has been aching ever since.  In fact, I was not able to eat another jelly bean for 6 entire days.

I know that the Biltmore House has deep pockets. The stinkin' house has 250 rooms.  And a winery.   

In fact, I think those Biltmore's have more money than the Kardashians.
I just I have to find myself a good ambulance-chasing attorney.  One who can humanize my pain and suffering when addressing a jury, and communicate the practical and emotional effects of not being able to eat jelly beans for nearly a week.

With that said, I think my pain and suffering could be mitigated by a couple cases of that Biltmore wine.

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