Saturday, March 30, 2013

Condensing the Commode

It is difficult to believe, but bathrooms on commercial airlines will soon become smaller.

I don’t get it They’re already minuscule.  As in 3 X 3 foot!  How in the heck have they managed to shrink them? 

And how will I ever remain in the Mile High Club under those conditions? 

I apologize for that “visual”, readers. 

I hope none of you had been eating.

At any rate, I completely understand why airlines would want to shrink their “facilities”.  Apparently, with the new Barbie-Doll sized lavs, Delta will be able to add 4 seats to its 737-900s.

They should have consulted me before making that decision.  For you see, I have a scathingly brilliant idea.  In fact I have two alternatives guaranteed to generate additional revenue, with minimal passenger impact.

First, why not assign passengers to the toilet seats?  So, in addition to Coach, Business, and First Class, airlines would offer Commode Class.

Commode Class seats would be sold at a slight discount, however the Commode Class passengers would be required to give up their seats at various times during the flight, at the request of other passengers. 

Alternatively, the airlines could remove the toilets altogether (adding back valuable passenger seats), and set up a kiosk in the gate area where Stadium Pals and Gals could be purchased.  

For those of you not familiar with Stadium Pal and Stadium Gal, they are portable urinary devices that allow you to discretely “go” in public when and wherever you choose.

The Stadium Pal (for men) is basically an external catheter worn like a condom.   The Stadium Gal comes with a urinary pouch that stays in place with adhesives.  (Ouch.)

Aside from the urine collection,  both the Pal and the Gal have Convenience Drains that connects to the leg-bag system (worn on the inner calf). 

A perfect solution to air travel without facilities.

Of course, airlines could not require the purchase of Stadium Pal/Gals, but certain rules would have to be established.

1. Passengers not purchasing a Stadium Pal/Gal would not be allowed to participate in beverage service.
2. No sharing of Stadium Pal/Gals.  (Especially across genders.)

Of course, the Stadium Pal/Gals would only cover one of the two reasons for using a bathroom.

Number 1.

To that end, the Gate Area Kiosk would also sell Depends.

They don’t call me a stinkin’ marketing genius for nothing! 

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