I think the massage therapist had me confused with an Olympic Athlete. Or a prize fighter.
Robin began my massage by pulling hard on my left leg, as if attempting to remove it from its socket. She purposefully moved it back and forth, in and out, around and around. It was as if she were playing Pac-Man, and my leg was the joystick.
Except I was not experiencing joy. Robin continued to angle my legs in ways that legs are not intended to angle.
I commented on that fact. "Oh, I know," she agreed. "I really don't belong in a spa."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked, beginning to get nervous. I wondered if my legs would be permanently disfigured as a result of one too many obtuse angles.
"Oh, I'm an expert on physiology," she bragged. "I usually work on people with sports injuries, or people who have had car accidents, or people suffering from Fibromyalgia."
OMG, I thought. Fibromyalgia? People in great pain come to Robin?! And she does this to them?
On a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is gentle as a lamb and 10 is Darth Vader, Robin was a 65.
Robin added, "Most spa massage therapists just rub lotion all over your body."
Oh how I yearned for someone to run Eucalyptus lotion all over my body.
Robin moved to my back, attacking it with ferocity typically reserved for the National Geographic Channel!
She started pushing and vibrating my shoulder first, before moving to arms.
"Hey, coach," I quipped, in my best Rocky voice. "I think I'm finally gonna beat Apollo Creed tonight." Then I started singing the theme song. "Da-da-da...da-da-da"
"Hey! You got any raw eggs for me to drink? I'm thirsty."
Robin appeared a bit defensive by my attempt at humor. "If you've never had this kind of treatment before, you've been ripped off," she said, as she attempted to rip off my arm.
One thing's for sure. I didn't have to worry about falling asleep during this massage.
"I've never had such an aerobic massage before," I huffed, out of breath from all my arm and leg motions. In fact, I burned more calories during that massage than in my last Body Jam class.
Robin had me flip over on my back and continued to "work" my body over.
Just when I thought this massage could not get worse, Robin got to my ears.
And she started folding them in half. Like origami.
WTH? Is she trying to give me Rocky ears, too? Am I going to have cauliflower ears when I leave here?
She was mumbling something about being an expert on physiology when the music stopped with a click. "Take your time leaving," she said, and left the room.
I waited just long enough for my ears to unravel and made my exit. My optimism returned as I realized that Robin would, indeed, make a good blog topic.
And I felt certain that today was the day that I was finally going to beat Apollo Creed.