Lou needs to have her head examined. What was she thinking?
She wanted to send me to camp. Camp Bow Wow.
I am certainly not Camp Bow Wow material. It's like sending Paris Hilton on a shopping trip to Good Will!
Lou talked up this place like it was some kind of Shangri-La.
Plus, I had to pass some kind of entrance exam. And Lou was very apprehensive about my interview. She actually coached me on the drive over: "Listen up, Kevin. Limit your butt sniffing to 45 seconds, no growling, and most importantly, look cute."
My interview lasted less than a minute. (Barely time enough for a good sniff.)
I wish the SAT had been that easy.
Then they took me back to the "camp", and I'm using that term loosely. It was an empty room with a cement floor.
"Excuse me," I said. "Where's the hot tub?"
Then they closed the gate and left me alone.
I looked around, stunned. It was completely barren. Stark. Not a couch in sight. No pillows to be found. No windows to look out.
And no toys.
And no toys.
"Hey you!" I yelled. "Bring me some socks to chew! I'm getting desperate! I don't ask for much....please... a puzzle piece? a plastic bag? a used Kleenex?"
I shook my head. Did they seriously expect me to lie down on cement? Who do they think I am?
"I'm a star," I howled! "I played Cheeky in Anything Goes! Bring me my trailer! And a tampon to chew on..."
Finally, Lou came to her senses and decided that I wasn't a good fit for Camp Bow Wow.
I think she's considering hiring me an au pair.
She better be cute. And have lots of toys.