Red Eye

My eyes are red.  Lobster red.  Road map red.  

Like I just left 'My Sister's Keeper' red. 

Let me explain. I'll start by saying that although my distance vision is 20-20, I need reading glasses for everything from reading menus to doing Soduku puzzles. And I definitely need them for putting glue on the edges of false eyelashes.

I love false eyelashes... that is, when they're on my eyes properly. It's very challenging to put on false eyelashes, period. But when you need reading glasses for Soduku, it's near impossible. 

Reading glasses work quite well for the first step in the false eyelash process: squeezing the glue from the tiny white glue bottle onto the edges of the false eyelashes. But, that's the easy part.

Using my reading glasses to place the eyelashes on my eyelids? Now, that's a challenge.

I tried putting my glasses on sideways (vertically) so that I could see out of the opposite eye. The problem is that I need 2 hands to put the eyelashes on the eyelid and my reading glasses either fell off my head or angled into a prism making my vision even cloudier. So I'm resigned to the fact that I need help from my 14-year old daughter to place the glued lashes onto my eyelids.

Last night I decided to live dangerously. Linda was not there to help and I felt this irrational sense of confidence in my abilities to maneuver the glued eyelashes to my eye. Just 3 steps:

1. Put glue along the edge of false eyelashes - check!
2. Place eyelashes on eyelid - check!
3. Eyelashes adhere to eyelid - No

Not only did the eyelashes not adhere to my eyelid, they seemed to slide all over the eyelid. I know... not enough glue! 

1. Put LOTS of glue along the edge of false eyelashes - check!
2. Place eyelashes on eyelid - check!
3. Eyelashes adhere to eyelid - No

Again, they slid all over my eyelid.

Okay, I know the problem. It's because the false eyelashes were wet. (I'd washed off the glue from the previous night before starting.) I carefully dried the other false eyelash piece and decided to try the other eye

1. Put glue along edge of completely dried false eyelashes - check!
2. Place eyelashes on eyelid - check!
3. Eyelashes adhere to eyelid - No

Crap! Completely resigned, I decided to pack up my little false eyelash kit and take it to the theatre. Somebody there would help me.

As I was packing up I realized that the little white glue bottle was already in the false eyelash kit.

Uh - oh.

What was in the white bottle I was putting on my eyelashes. Some kind of lotion?

No time to look. Off to the show. When I got home I decided to put on my reading glasses and see exactly what I had mistaken for the glue bottle. Before I looked I said a little prayer...please don't let it be vaginal cream....

It was simply facial lotion.

Whew. But thankfully I had my reading glasses on and could read the fine print.

"Avoid contact with the eyes."