skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Blog envy has once again reared its ugly head.
With Linda gone from the house my blog ideas have dried up. Like a raisin.
Linda was my treasure-trove.
It was almost like cheating. A humor writer with a daughter like Linda has an unfair advantage.
Now she’s gone off to the Marines. Leaving me blog-topic-less.
It’s depressing.
It used to be so easy. All I had to do was wait. And watch.
In the meantime, blog topics seem to surround my friends like ants at a picnic.
One of my friends (let’s call her “Esmeralda”) just returned from a visit to her parents, where her sisters and brothers and their scores of children congregated.
Well, it turns out that poor, unsuspecting, Esmeralda and her husband were exposed to head lice, introduced to the close nit family (sorry, I couldn’t resist) by one of her nieces.
“No fair!” I said.
“What?” asked Esmeralda.
“Blog envy.” But I realized that I was being selfish and let her tell the rest of her story.
Apparently, Esmeralda went to CVS to purchase some head lice remover, and was very relieved to discover that, although the store was bustling with activity, no one was in line.
When she got to the cash register the clerk picked up the box, looked at Esmeralda and loudly announced, “Oh, my daughter had head lice last year and she has hair exactly like yours. It was really hard to get rid of those buggers.”
Esmeralda, who was trying to get out of the store as quickly and anonymously as possible, didn’t respond.
(I groaned with envy at this point in her story.)
"You have exactly the same hair color and texture as my daughter," the clerk bellowed.
"Those head lice are going to be really hard to get rid of.”
“That is so funny!” I whined. And I actually heard myself saying, “Why can’t I get head lice?”
Of course Esmeralda never had head lice and the treatment was just a precaution.
And I’m ashamed of myself for my blog envy.
To add insult to injury, blog envy hit even closer to home this morning when Dave said to me, “I can’t believe that at 62 years of age I’m still learning things.”
“What?” I asked.
“If you get toothpaste in your eye it hurts.”
Damn him.
I knew Kimmy wouldn’t let me down. After living on the other side of the world for almost a year, she came home with blog material galore!
Which, on the other hand, has left me with a very bad case of blog envy.
It’s one thing blogging about toilets in Thailand. But it’s another thing experiencing them first hand. Especially Thai Toilets on trains.
Damn her.
It’s really not fair. I would give anything to be able to walk down the aisle of that Thailand train, travelling from Bangkok to Surat Thani. My bladder full of Tai Tea.
I would open the door to the toilet and see 2 options: a squat pot and a regular toilet.
Despite the fact that my squatting skills are not completely honed, I would decide to take on the challenge of maintaining my balance as the train jolted from side to side. (That's how stupid adventuresome I am.)
I would pull down my unmentionables and assume my best plié. As the train rounded a curve, I would look down to ensure that I remained on target.
That’s when I would notice something moving briskly in the pot.
Since I would not have my reading glasses with me in the Thai Train Toilet, careful examination of the contents of said squat pot would be impossible.
Hence, I would take the conservative route and opt for the regular toilet, rather than risk exposing my netherlands to whatever the hell was swimming in the pot.
I would lift the toilet lid and notice a similar movement in that toilet. And I would come to the realization that Thai Train Toilets empty directly onto Thai Train Tracks.
I would try not to gag, all the while thinking what a great blog topic this could be.
Sadly, the Thai Train Toilet is just a fantasy for me. I did not get to experience the excitement of seeing railroad ties pass by, through the lens of a toilet bowl.
It’s just not fair. This could be the biggest case of blog envy ever.
You may think it could not get any better for Kimmy.
You’re wrong.
Her friends Luke and Neil slipped between cars on the Thai Train to smoke.
And got splashed.
How lucky can you get?
