The United Club

I was giddy with excitement.  I had the key to a magic kingdom in my wallet: a segregated sanctuary for the snobs.  

I mean the elite travelers.

I’d been carrying my Free One Time Use of the United Club for more than 6 months, just waiting for a chance to optimize its value.  A 5-hour layover at Dulles on the way to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop? 

Hell, yeah.  No gate seating for me!

I put on my best “I’m hot shit” face as I walked through the mahogany doors.

A woman sat guard at the desk that stood between me and the United Club.  I smiled and handed her my United Club card. She asked for my boarding pass, my drivers’ license, passport, dental records, fingerprints, and my 6th grade report card. 

She then eyed me suspiciously and asked a trick question, “Who do you want to win American Idol?” 

“Dalton… I mean, Duh… I don’t watch American Idol.”

She smiled and said, “Welcome to the United Club, Miss Clyde.”

As I descended the stairs into the wonderful world of the United Club I had an epiphany.

I should not have gone to breakfast first.  Because there is complimentary breakfast in the United Club.  

I just spent $5.00 for stinkin’ orange juice that is F*R*E*E to the elite members of the United Club.  Like me.

No worries.  I helped myself to a cup of hot chocolate.  Not Nestles Hot Chocolate.  Ghiradelli Hot Chocolate. 

(Gate seaters drink Nestles Hot Chocolate.  From styrofoam cups.  United Club members drink Ghiradelli.  Served in fine china.)

I looked around at the other elite members.   They were a quiet bunch.  Reading the Wall Street Journal or watching the business channel on the flat screen TVs. 

No HGTV in the United Club.  Or Project Runway.

Wait.  What’s that?  A room in the back of the United Club with workstations!  And phones!  And a printer, copier and fax machine!   

An office for the Nerdling.

I set up shop.  I fit right in, hardly working working hard on my laptop.  And I had 4 more hours to spend there!  The perfect environment to write a blog about the United Club.

I took several laps around the space, attempting to look important.  I studied the departures board and noticed that I had 3 hours and 50 minutes until my flight.

There were newspapers scattered about.  Wall Street Journals and the New York Times.  No People Magazines in the United Club. 

Damn.  I wanted to read about Ben and what’s her name from the Bachelor.

I returned to the departures board.  Only 3 hours and 45 minutes until my flight. 

I looked around again at the other elite members sharing “our” lounge. 

They were boring. 

Then I had my second epiphany.  If I wanted entertainment, I’d have to go to the gate.  The United Club had no fighting kids, no fashion don’ts, no middle-aged slobs spilling mustard on their shirts, nobody singing off-key with earbuds in their ears.

No nose pickers.

I packed up my laptop and headed out of the ridiculously boring United Club.

But not before filling my purse with some snacks to take to my gate seat.

I deserved them.   After all, I am a United Club member.

Narrowing My Collection

My daughter Kimmy is going to be so excited.

 
I have completely outdone myself this time.  I have catapulted to a new pinnacle.

 

It is time for me to submit a video audition for Project Runway!  They need me.    

 
I am exactly what they are looking for.  I have the unique combination of creativity, fashion sense and personality to win the "$100,000 prize to start my own line, a fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine, a 2013 Lexus GS 350, a $50,000 technology suite by HP and Intel to create my own vision and run my business and the opportunity to design and sell an exclusive collection at Lord & Taylor."   (Now that's a mouthful!)

I'm certain my video will land me an audition, at which I must bring 5 or 6 of my garments that demonstrate my sewing skills and my fashion point of view.

Only 5 or 6?  How can I possibly narrow my collection down to 5 or 6?  Should I bring the Doggone Thong? 

My Arm Socks are certainly stylin'.  

And my Wine Holder Necklace is functional yet chic. 

Let's not forget the effective and elegant Camel Toe Cup. 
  

One thing's for sure.  I must bring Kimmy's pink shoes.

OMG!  I just had the best idea.  I am not going to tell Kimmy about her pink shoes.  What a fantastic surprise it will be for her to see them for the first time on Project Runway! 

Heidi Klum will say, "Those shoes are amazing!  What technique did you use in the design?" 

And I will demonstrate the proper blend of humility and pride as I describe purchasing the dog scrapbook paper and Mod Podge at Michaels.

 

And the process of cutting out the cute little dog pictures and mod-podging them to Kimmy's pink shoes that she forgot to take with her to Australia.

I wish I could see Kimmy's face when she sees how I transformed an ordinary pair of pink shoes into a work of art. 

Just thinking about that brings a tear to my eye. 

Of course, there are inherent risks associated with showing Kimmy's newly mod-podged dog shoes on Project Runway.  The shoes will no longer be a one of a kind item.  There will be knock-offs EVERYWHERE.

But I guess that's the price one must pay for fame.

Doggone It!

As soon as I laid my eyes on it I knew.

I had to have one.  More specifically, Kevin had to have one.  It was stinkin' genius. 

I mean, Kevin already has a reputation around the neighborhood for his innovative attire: his dapper dressing.  When he wears his Thunder Jacket, heads turn. 

I can only imagine the reaction he'll receive when he wears his Doggone Thong.

 

The thing is Kevin's admiring observers have no clue that the Thunder Jacket's underlying objective is to reduce his fear of thunder, firecrackers and zombies.

Similarly, they will likely be surprised to discover that the Doggone Thong, also has "secret super-powers".  

It effectively eliminates the unflattering aftermath of doggie flatulence.  According to the marketing materials, the Doggone Thong is "a comfortable and unintrusive means for deodorizing gassy discharges in a thong design."

I was extremely disappointed to discover that the Doggone Thong was discontinued on the www.flat_d.com web site.   But that did not stop me.  

Why not? 

Because there's a Dollar Store only 10 minutes from my house!  

And I am the Nerdling.

All I needed was some fabric, dryer sheets (to neutralize the gas), and some sort of elastic for the Doggie Thong waist band.  

(For the record, Kevin denies that he has, ever has had, or ever will have gas.)

But you know what?  

My innate sense of fashion, combined with all those episodes of Project Runway I've been watching, caused me to take the design up a notch.

I opted for the blue tulle tutu, rather than the boring elastic.

And, as you can see, I am a stinkin' Doggone Thong Design Star genius.

 

And, although Kevin would deny it, he smells even better than he looks.