The Photo

I suppose it could be worse.

It could be the National Enquirer, instead of The State Newspaper.  

Damn!   Why do we have to have such an excellent publicity person?

Please don't think I'm being vain. It's a really, really unflattering photo. 

That's what I get for being a good sport. When the director asked me to play the role of the "body" during the publicity photos for A Funny Little Thing Called Love, I willingly agreed.  I mean how could I possibly turn her down? 

Nobody else in the cast has the vast experience I’ve had playing bodies. In fact, I played the dead body TWICE in 9 to 5.  At the risk of appearing arrogant, my character was quite authentic.  I never moved. Even though my nose itched.  

That's the problem here. I look really dead in this picture. And the ironic thing is, I’m not supposed to be dead. Just passed out. 

I’ve taken bad pictures before.  On the scale of horrendous photos, this one falls somewhere between my first grade class picture and my 1992 drivers license. 

I just don’t understand why Glenn picked that photo. There were at least 3 better ones. Like this one:

Glenn is such a perfectionist. He probably didn't pick it because I was looking at the camera.

I suppose that’s why he didn’t pick this one either.

But for crying out loud, this next one was perfect.  My eyes were closed and everything.

OMG!  I think I get it now. I’m not even in that scene. I was just filling in for someone else.  

Glenn must have been worried about me upstaging everyone else with my beauty.  

Damn him.

Developing My Character

I'm about to embark upon the most challenging acting role of my life.

I'm playing the dead body in 9 to 5.

Not unlike Meryl Streep, who spent months and months in preparation for her role in Sophie's Choice, I have to develop my character.   Meryl immersed herself into the role of Holocaust survivor Sophie, and her performance earned her an academy award for Best Actress in 1982.

Meryl Streep completely envelopes herself in all her characters, capturing their nuances, speech patterns and personalities.

I must do the same in my role: capture the nuances, speech patterns and personality of the dead body.

Of course, she will no longer have speech patterns and personality, since she's dead. 

But I refuse to let that stop me from developing my character. 

For you see, I too, am a gifted actor.

I was brutally murdered. 

I was murdered by another contestant on The Bachelor.  I had just been awarded a rose and the woman who had been escorted to the limo, snuck back into the mansion, and into my bathroom.  She viciously assaulted me with a high heel. 

As you can see, it was a crime of passion.  The bitch went right for my face, as if it was my beauty that attracted Sean. 

If only my dog had barked (like Lassie would have), instead of lying next to me... as my life slowly faded away.  Someone could have found me in time.

I may have gotten that final rose.

And that's how I ended up on the gurney in the 9 to 5 hospital where the girls see me, mistakenly believe that I'm their boss and steal my body.

Great story, huh?!

I can't wait to pitch it to the director.

Damn!  I wish they awarded Academy Awards in theater.  I'd have this nailed.