I had a mission to prepare for. DHEC needed my help.
To prevent an outbreak of West Nile Virus.
Amazing! What a fantastic opportunity.
Truth be told, I've always been envious of my friends and family who work in the Medical profession, whose work is so meaningful.
They can save people's lives.
I analyze data.
But now I can save lives, too! Me! I can help DHEC prevent the outbreak of West Nile Virus!
All I have to do is submit freshly dead Crows, Blue Jays, House Finches, or House Sparrows.
I can do that.
Let's forget about the fact that I can barely pick up an overripe banana without gagging.
Yeah. There's that.
But I'll get over it. I have to eradicate the West Nile Virus.
I went to the DHEC website for more information about my dead bird hunt.
They don't want birds with missing eyes or maggots. (Repressing a gag). I'm good with those rules.
I searched for instructions on how to actually "collect" the specimens. They suggest you wear gloves.
But I don't need no stinkin' gloves. I have my pick-up stick left over from my Rotator Cuff surgery.
I rehearsed with Kevin's toy raccoon and it worked like a charm. Perfect for my dead bird hunt.
I, Lou Clyde, will be the Best. Dead. Bird. Collector. EVER. And I will make the world a better, safer place.
I returned to the web site. DHEC instructed collectors (like me!) to put the freshly dead bird into a clear plastic bag.
Practice makes perfect. Worked like a charm.
DHEC said to keep the bagged bird in your refrigerator until you can deliver it to them.
OKAY. (Repressing gag.)
I opened my fridge to pick the freshly dead bird's ultimate resting space. Maybe the meat drawer?
(No longer able to repress gag.)
Sorry DHEC. I think I'll just go donate some blood.