Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Dead Bird Hunt

I had a mission to prepare for.  DHEC needed my help.

My help!

To prevent an outbreak of West Nile Virus.

Amazing!  What a fantastic opportunity.

Truth be told, I've always been envious of my friends and family who work in the Medical profession, whose work is so meaningful.  

They can save people's lives.

I analyze data.  

But now I can save lives, too!  Me!  I can help DHEC prevent the outbreak of West Nile Virus!

All I have to do is submit freshly dead Crows, Blue Jays, House Finches, or House Sparrows.

I can do that.

Let's forget about the fact that I can barely pick up an overripe banana without gagging.  

Yeah.  There's that.

But I'll get over it.  I have to eradicate the West Nile Virus.

I went to the DHEC website for more information about my dead bird hunt.

They don't want birds with missing eyes or maggots.  (Repressing a gag).  I'm good with those rules.

I searched for instructions on how to actually "collect" the specimens.  They suggest you wear gloves.  

But I don't need no stinkin' gloves.  I have my pick-up stick left over from my Rotator Cuff surgery.

I rehearsed with Kevin's toy raccoon and it worked like a charm.  Perfect for my dead bird hunt.  

I, Lou Clyde, will be the Best. Dead. Bird. Collector. EVER.  And I will make the world a better, safer place.

I returned to the web site.  DHEC instructed collectors (like me!) to put the freshly dead bird into a clear plastic bag.

Practice makes perfect.  Worked like a charm.

DHEC said to keep the bagged bird in your refrigerator until you can deliver it to them.

OKAY. (Repressing gag.)

I opened my fridge to pick the freshly dead bird's ultimate resting space.  Maybe the meat drawer?

(No longer able to repress gag.)

Sorry DHEC.  I think I'll just go donate some blood.

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