Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The Audition

I arrived for the audition a couple of minutes late. I’d never been to the theater before and had gotten turned around. 

“Sorry I’m late,” I said to the girl sitting behind the table. 

“No problem,” she said, as she handed me an audition form. “What part are you auditioning for?”  

She then handed me another sheet with the character names and descriptions. I looked them over and settled on Grace, who was described as a tired old lady. 

“Grace,” I said, decidedly. 

After all, I played 70 year-old Aunt Ruth in Marvin’s Room last year and won all kinds of accolades for the visible panty lines on my polyester pants. 

Yes. I could easily play a tired old lady. In fact, I could even wear the same polyester pants!  They were very comfortable. 

“Perfect,” she said as she handed me the monologue I would be performing for my audition. 

I located a spot on the floor, got comfortable and began to read the monoloue. 

After a few minutes I realized that Grace was Black. 

“O…KAY”, I thought. And kept reading. 

And noticed that Grace was an old Black woman with a deep Southern accent. Now, I can pogo stick and jump rope on stage. And roller skate. But pull off a Southern accent? Not exactly one of my talents. 

And Grace said things like, “My God say ain’t gone be no cuttin.” 

"O…KAY", I thought. And kept reading. 

Then I got to the part about how her doctor wanted her to have breast reduction surgery because her “titties” were so large. I looked down at my modest pair.

"O…KAY", I thought. And kept reading. 

I flipped the page over only to discover that poor Grace had injured her back because her “titties” were so monstrous. And giving birth to 5 children resulted in 180 pounds resting on her 5’2” frame. 

O…KAY. I may have lost count by then, but I think that was the 5th strike against me. Most people would have walked away at this point. 

But I’m not most people. 

So what if I didn’t have the perfect look for the role of an elderly obese Black women with a deep Southern accent and tremendously large “titties”. I was Lou Clyde, damn it. I could do this! 

I walked into the audition room overflowing with confidence. Until I noticed that they were filming the auditions. 

The humorless director instructed me to look into the camera, say my name and the part I was auditioning for. 

“My name is Lou Clyde, and I am auditioning for the part of Grace.” 

“Good”, she said. “You can start at any time.”  

So I took a deep breath, and had the best audition you could ever expect from a skinny flat small  medium-ish chested White woman from Buffalo. 

When I was finished I looked up from my paper and the director said with a straight face, “We’ll be in touch.” 

 I thought about saying, “Thank ya’ll. And have a blessed night.” 

But I realize that I would have been pushing my luck. So I just hauled my Black ass out the door and drove home as fast I could. 

To get started on this blog.

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