Saturday, February 7, 2015

The Bag of Bones

One might wonder why I had a bag of frozen chicken bones on my passenger seat.  Not frozen chicken wings.  Frozen chicken bones.

And I was late for my haircut.

The bag of bones would have to stay in my car for an hour.  Because I couldn't - no wouldn't - take them inside.  I mean, how could I explain it?

They were in a somewhat transparent Food Lion bag. 

It's February.  Surely they wouldn't thaw out and stink up my car in one hour's time.

Most (normal) homes have a process for removing kitchen trash.  It probably goes something like this:  

  1. The kitchen trash can gets full.  
  2. The bag is taken to the outside trash can.  
  3. On garbage day the outside trash can is taken to the street.  
Simple, really.

Our process is a bit more complicated. 

Trash that has the potential to "ripen" while waiting for garbage day (like chicken bones do), is put in plastic bags and stored in the freezer until garbage day.  

And I'm totally cool with this process.  

Unless Dave forgets to put it in the garbage day trash.  

Last night we were going to the mall.  Dave said, “Take the chicken bones with you.”

“Mom doesn’t like to do that,” Linda responded, perceptively.

Damn right.  I still have psychological scars from that watermelon debacle.  The bag of watermelon rinds was so big it wouldn't fit into the opening of the trash can outside of JC Penny.

I pushed.  I shoved.  I put every ounce of my bodily weight into it.

 “Hurry Mom,” Linda said.  “Someone’s coming!”

“IT- ugh –WON'T -ugh – FIT.”

Talk about a trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

I thought about opening the bag and moving the rinds from within the bag into the trash can one at a time but that would have been messy.  And really embarrassing.

Crap. Someone was coming.

I started trying to pry the top off the damn can.  What was it SUPER GLUED on? 

"Linda, help," I whispered.  Then louder, "Linda?  Get over here and help me!"

But she was gone. 

In the meantime, people started parading past, elbowing each other.  “That’s so sad.  Going through the trash outside JC Penny.”  

In the end I just set the bag of watermelon rinds on the ground next to the garbage can and nonchalantly walked into the store.   

Damn it.  I was not going to have a reenactment of that watermelon mall debacle.

I accidentally forgot to take the chicken bones to the mall.  

But unfortunately, when I went to leave for to my hair cut appointment this morning, the chicken bones were waiting for me.  On the passenger seat of the car.

Damn, is he persistent.

I told Jennifer (my hairstylist) the predicament I faced and she told me that there happened to be a trash can right outside the door.  

I got my bag of bones from the car and innocently strolled down the sidewalk.  I whistled a happy tune.  Beautiful day!   Just taking a walk.  La-la-la-la.

And I made the drop.

Smooth as glass.  

I should be in the CIA I'm that good.

I just hope for Jennifer's sake, that the garbage can doesn't get too stinky.

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