Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Stripper

Not since Muhammad Ali fought Joe Frazier has there been such a match up. 

Me vs. the bathroom wallpaper.

For weeks I have been unsuccessfully tackling the project, which is way less fun than getting toenails removed.

Then, suddenly, I had an epiphany.   I could leverage this aggravating activity into a bigger project that could benefit all of mankind!

In fact, at the risk of appearing arrogant, my scathingly brilliant idea may change the world as we know it today.

You may be aware of the controversy related to the interrogation of terrorists.  

Is it ever acceptable to use torture?  How far should the CIA go to protect innocent victims of a potential heinous terrorist plot?

Waterboarding is clearly frowned upon by certain segments of the population.

As is toenail removal.

Well, what about stripping the wallpaper in my bathroom?  Not only is this a politically correct technique for torturing interrogating terrorists, it is pure genius!

Think about it. 

The following scenario, although fictional, is a realistic application of the Nerdling Interrogation Technique (NIT). 

The CIA Agent, who looks remarkably like Sargent Shultz, sits opposite the ISIS operative.

“Answer me, Abu Aboumammanhhal!  Who and where is your target?"

“I know nothing.  I am innocent.”

“Well...   We’ll just see how good your memory is after you spend a little time stripping wallpaper in Lou Clyde’s bathroom.”

Abu Aboumammanhhal attempts to hide a smirk.  “You have supplies?”

“Of course.  Here’s some Dif Gel Wallpaper Stripper, and a scorer, and fabric softener, and white vinegar, and an iron, and some Piranha Wallpaper and Paste Remover Concentrate, and Piranha Wallpaper and Paste Remover Gel Spray, and a Pampered Chef spatula.”  

 Then, feeling generous, the agent adds, "And a pair of tweezers."
Abu Aboumammanhhal walks into the bathroom, eying the wallpapered walls.  Little does he know that this is no ordinary bathroom.  

Its wallpaper has been adhered directly on the flat rock.  With Superglue.

“Oh… Aboumammanhhal?  One more thing.”


“Don’t tear the sheet rock.”

Abu Aboumammanhhal begins the project.  He painstakingly peels off the top layer of wall paper, leaving a google of nano-layers beneath. 

After 6 hours the CIA agent checks his progress.   He observes that Aboumammanhhal has not yet cleared 1 square centimeter.  “Are you ready to talk yet?”

“I know nothing.  I am innocent.”

“Keep stripping,”
says the agent. 

At hour 33 the moaning begins.  It turns to a wail 3 hours later. 

The wailing stops, unexpectedly at 5 pm.   The agent opens the bathroom door.

He finds Aboumammanhhal curled up in the fetal position, whimpering like a baby.  “Please water boarding.”  

When the agent refuses (because water boarding is considered torture),
Aboumammanhhal spills his guts.  A terrorist plot is averted and peace is restored in the Middle East.

The doorbell interrupts my scenario and it is my friend Chris delivering a wallpaper steamer.  I hadn't tried that yet. 

I think I'll give that a whirl before calling the CIA.

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