Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Groupon Massage

You don't tug on Superman's cape.
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger.
And you don’t buy a Groupon massage.

But the price was right.
And my neck was really, really sore. 

I arrived right on time for my massage.  I was optimistic; the facility was much nicer than the spa in the Food Lion plaza that went out of business. 

I was greeted by my massage therapist, let’s call her “Willow”.  Willow was debriefing her 4:00 client, advising her to drink a lot of water because she had “pressed a lot of her organs.”

“You pressed her organs?” I asked.  (I couldn’t resist.)

Yes, she did,” said 4:00, “and it was the best massage I ever had.”

Wow!  I couldn’t wait for Willow to press my organs! 

Little did I know that she was going to press my organs using my feet as remote controls.  As it turns out, a Reflexology Massage is a stinkin’ foot massage.

Before Willow began my Reflexology foot massage, she measured my “bio-markers”.  I had to put my hand on a magical mouse which determined how many of my bio-markers were out-of-range.

I am not making this up.

I told Willow that I didn’t even know I had bio-markers but if they were out-of-range I was all in favor of bringing them back.

 I had 32 bio-markers out of range.  Willow assured me that Eucalyptus and Geranium oils would help heal my bio-marker imbalance.  


At the start of my massage, Willow dribbled some Eucalyptus oil onto the palm of my hand.  She instructed me to rub my hands together, place my palms over my nose and slowly inhale. 

It smelled like the damn Koala building at Riverbanks Zoo.

I tried not to gag as I moved my hands underneath my body, wiping the offensive oil on the sheets. 

I closed my eyes.

Willow began to blow on my feet.  OMG.  What if she starts to lick them?  I decided to get her talking.

“So, Willow…. can you really massage my neck by pushing on my feet?”

“Yes...” Willow purred.  

“What about my shoulders?”

“Oh yes,” Willow said. “It works like acupuncture.”

Well that made me feel better.  Not.

For the next 40 minutes Willow pushed on all my organs: my kidneys, my spleen, even my heart. 

At the end of the session, I realized that my neck still hurt like hell.  Plus my left leg, which had been strained in a wallpaper removal injury, was throbbing.

Perhaps it had been exacerbated by all that organ pushing.

But you know what?

My feet felt amazing.

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