Protecting the Girls

When my friend Mary told me about the Ravijoir True Love Tester I got goosebumps.  A bra that unclasps itself for true love?  That knows how women truly feel?  That was developed by the Japanese?

Wow.

Apparently the Ravijour True Love Tester works in conjunction with your smart phone to analyze your “levels”.  It will lock up your bra, protecting the girls, unless the sensors detect that the woman truly wants her bra removed.  

For example, if you are being seduced by riff-raff like this, the gates would likely remain closed. 

Which makes it a modern day chastity belt for the boobs.  

It cannot be unhooked without true love.  Sigh. 

Apparently, the bra's built in sensor reads a woman's heart rate to determine "True Love".

Wait a minute. 

My heart races when I’m nervous.  Like before I walk on stage.  I stress about remembering my lines and my blocking, or being hit by Greased Lightening during curtain call.  I certainly don’t want to have to worry about my bra falling off!

Which reminds me of that infamous presentation I made early in my career.   About 10 minutes into it I felt my shoulder pad slowly making its way down my left arm, not unlike a cat sneaking up on an unsuspecting mouse.   

When it got to my elbow I nonchalantly flicked it to the floor.   But my aim was off and it fell a bit stage left of the podium. 

Now this was pre-PowerPoint.  When all eyes were on the presenter. 

Except all eyes were not on me.  All eyes were on my foot which was attempting to snare the shoulder pad and bring it to safety behind the podium.

The women in the room all recognized the object as a shoulder pad, and were starting to whisper.  And giggle.  The men were just confused, at least one believing it to be a sanitary napkin.

I certainly wouldn’t want a “bra-opening” version of ShoulderPadAgeddon. 

As I was researching this topic, I discovered that the Ravijour is actually a knock-off of the MicroSoft SmartBra. 

Which would make it a knocker off.   

Sorry, couldn't resist. 

The MicroSoft SmartBra is designed to monitor a woman’s emotional moods to combat overeating. 

You can't make this shit up.

The sensors can signal the wearer’s smartphone, which will flash a warning message to step away from the fridge. 

I'm sorry, but is there a market for this product?  What woman  on this planet would listen to her phone when it tells her not to stress eat?    
Smartphone: “According to the sensors in your bra, you are stressed out.  You should not eat.  Walk around the block, instead.”

Smartphone: “Pizza is not good for you.  Put down that pizza.  Now.”

Smartphone: “Your sensors indicate that your level of stress has increased.  Stop eating that pizza.  It is bad for you.  You will get fatter."

Smartphone: “PUT DOWN THE PIZZA, BITCH!”

Smartphone: “DO NOT THROW YOUR PHONE!  I SAID, DO NOT THROW YOUR………”