Friday, November 1, 2013

The Slim Jim

"Mom, you know how your nose is connected to your mouth?" 

I had no clue where this question was headed.

"Yeah..." I said cautiously.

"Because I was eating a Slim Jim and it..." 

I put my hands over my ears and started singing, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA"

But Linda was relentless.  "Mom!  I have a Slim Jim up my nose.  And it's spicy."

How do you help a teenager with a Slim Jim stuck up her nose?  Just looking at a Slim Jim turns my stomach.  The thought of one in her nose made me wretch.

"Have you tried blowing your nose?" I suggested, feebly.

"Mom!  It's too big to come out!"
she insisted.  "And it's burning me.  Help!"

As an aside, I'm no stinkin' ENT, but I am pretty good at math.  And angles.  

And for the life of me, I cannot figure out how that Slim Jim could have made what is nearly a U-turn at Linda's Uvula to end up in her nose. 

And look at the size of that passageway from the Uvula to the nasal cavity.  It's a good thing Jim was slim.  (Sorry. Couldn't resist)

I decided to consult the experts.  Yahoo Answers usually has good medical advice.   

Q.  "While I was eating someone made me laugh and food got stuck in my nose, OMG its been in there for a long time it's like right at the top of my nose. OMG please help I'm really worried!"

The first suggestion was not helpful:

"i think the nose is somehow connected thru the throat.. if you know it's there try to blow your nose. since it doesn't work..uh.. sniff and swallow? it might come out of ur mouth or just go to ur stomach lol no biggie? think of it as...snot.."

The second suggestion simply gave me the creeps :

"If it is possible you could use tweezers"

And the third was suggested by someone who clearly considered himself a comedian.

"Use a vacuum cleaner"

However, that recommendation stimulated an amazing nerdling epiphany.  I had the perfect solution to Linda's problem.  Nearly at my fingertips.

It was packed away in my blog bucket: 
My Nosefrida.  If it worked on an infant, it would certainly work on Linda!

I ran to Linda's bedroom, "Here I come to save the day," I sang, sounding exactly like Super Man.

Then, switching tunes, "I'm gonna suck that Slim Jim right out of your nose." I waved my Nosefrida and proceeded to dance as if I were shampooing my hair on a beach in the South Pacific.

Linda looked at me as if I'd grown a second head.  "I hacked it out already," she said. 

"Seriously?"  I was awash with disappointment.   Until I had a
desperate scathingly brilliant  idea.

"Perhaps you some left-over noogies I can help you with?"  I offered.

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