Monday, September 5, 2016

Sneaking a Bite

An 11:00 Dentist appointment.  What was I thinking? 

I usually schedule my dental cleanings at 7:00 so the hygienist can cut right to the chase without having to deal with stray breakfast particles that have evaded a toothbrush. 

How could I possibly make it until 11:00 without eating?

I know what you’re thinking.  Brush your teeth before you leave for the Dentist!

But you don’t understand.  I’m not like most people.  I don’t have A toothbrush.

Think bigger. 

More like a Janitorial Cleaning cart:   Toothbrush, proxy brush, surface brush, dental floss, Sonic toothbrush, sandblaster, baking soda, tiny dwarfs with pick axes, toothpaste and mouthwash.  

My bedtime oral hygiene process is epic. 

I arrived at work at 7:00 on Wednesday with very clean teeth. I had skipped breakfast in preparation for my Dentist appointment.

By 7:30 I was hungry.   At 8:00 my stomach growled.  By the time 9:00 came I was full-out starving and getting hangry.

Then I got the email about Free Muffin Day in our corporate cafeteria.

It was unprecedented.  They never have free anything day at the cafeteria.  This was a huge deal. Free muffins!

It I ate a muffin I would deflower my pristine teeth. 

Perhaps it was divine intervention. Suddenly I had a flashback to 9th grade biology.  A chapter on Genetics. 


I have the “roll your tongue” gene. 

Perhaps if I placed a tiny piece of muffin atop my tongue and exercised said genetic talent, my teeth would be protected from malicious muffin particles.

My stomach growled in anticipation as I stealthily closed my office door and opened the Styrofoam container.  I picked off a minuscule piece of muffin and placed it atop my tongue. 

Then I expertly rolled my tongue into a burrito.

I closed my eyes, moaning with pleasure. 

It was delicious.  Just the nourishment I needed to get me to the dentist without passing out behind the wheel, becoming yet another S.C. highway statistic.

I told Sue, the hygienist, about Free Muffin Day and how I was able to resist the urge to undermine my untainted teeth.  I could tell she was impressed.

I opened my mouth wide, so she could begin her torture session my cleaning.

I was proud of myself.  

I had found a way to safely sate my appetite, leaving my teeth unscathed.  Thanks to my genetically superior tongue.

So proud.


 "Looks like it was Free Blueberry Muffin Day in your cafeteria," Sue said.

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