I usually schedule my dental cleanings at 7:00 so the hygienist can cut right to the chase without having to deal with stray breakfast particles that have evaded a toothbrush.
How could I possibly make it until 11:00 without eating?
I know what you’re thinking. Brush your teeth before you leave for the Dentist!
But you don’t understand. I’m not like most people. I don’t have A toothbrush.
More like a Janitorial Cleaning cart: Toothbrush, proxy brush, surface brush, dental floss, Sonic toothbrush, sandblaster, baking soda, tiny dwarfs with pick axes, toothpaste and mouthwash.
My bedtime oral hygiene process is epic.
I arrived at work at 7:00 on Wednesday with very clean teeth. I had skipped breakfast in preparation for my Dentist appointment.
By 7:30 I was hungry. At 8:00 my stomach growled. By the time 9:00 came I was full-out starving and getting hangry.
Then I got the email about Free Muffin Day in our corporate cafeteria.
It was unprecedented. They never have free anything day at the cafeteria. This was a huge deal. Free muffins!
It I ate a muffin I would deflower my pristine teeth.
Perhaps it was divine intervention. Suddenly I had a flashback to 9th grade biology. A chapter on Genetics.
I have the “roll your tongue” gene.
Perhaps if I placed a tiny piece of muffin atop my tongue and exercised said genetic talent, my teeth would be protected from malicious muffin particles.
My stomach growled in anticipation as I stealthily closed my office door and opened the Styrofoam container. I picked off a minuscule piece of muffin and placed it atop my tongue.
Then I expertly rolled my tongue into a burrito.
I closed my eyes, moaning with pleasure.
It was delicious. Just the nourishment I needed to get me to the dentist without passing out behind the wheel, becoming yet another S.C. highway statistic.
I told Sue, the hygienist, about Free Muffin Day and how I was able to resist the urge to undermine my untainted teeth. I could tell she was impressed.
I opened my mouth wide, so she could begin
I was proud of myself.
I had found a way to safely sate my appetite, leaving my teeth unscathed. Thanks to my genetically superior tongue.
"Looks like it was Free Blueberry Muffin Day in your cafeteria," Sue said.