Saturday, May 30, 2015

Geometric Food

Dave says I'm a picky eater.  That is simply not true.

I just have a difficult time eating anything that looks like what it originated from.  

I can eat fish if it's shaped like a rectangle.  Or a rhombus.

No problem.

But fished shaped like a fish?  Impossible.  I just can't do it.  That fish was somebody’s MOTHER!   

Which reminds me of one of my more tragic job interviews.  My potential boss had taken me out to dinner after a long day of interviewing.  In a fancy restaurant.  That did not serve food shaped like Leggos.  

I had just finished answering a question about my seven figure salary requirements when I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eye.  I turned and let out a scream.

For there was a lobster slowly crawling toward me on a tray held by a waiter.  The poor guy was trying to make a run for it.  They had shackled his legs.  He looked at me with the saddest eyes I’d ever seen.  Begging me to help him.

“Catch of the day.”


The waiter repeated himself.  “Catch of the day.  Would you like to order our Lobster?” 

He looked like Sebastian.

“No!” I said, too loudly.  People were starting to stare.  “No, thank you.” I said.  

I smiled at my potential future boss who was having second thoughts about me. 

I think of that poor lobster every time I dine at a restaurant without a drive through.  

As I did last night.  

I looked over the menu.  I wanted something shaped like a Three Musketeer’s bar.  Something that would not remind me that it used to be alive.

There!  I found something!  Airline Chicken.  

I’ve had chicken on an airplane before and it definitely did not look like a chicken.  It was shaped like an eraser.

Yes.  Airline Chicken.  Perfectly safe. Perfectly rectangular.

So I ordered it.   

And when the waiter delivered my meal I was appalled.

Please believe me when I tell you that the poor chicken’s leg bone was sticking right out of his breast.

I mean who does that that?

I should have ordered the lasagna.

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