Sunday, December 24, 2017

The Bad Loser

Dave called me a bad loser.


I'm, actually, a very good loser.  I'm so experienced at losing that I've gotten quite good at it.

But this time the judges got it wrong.

Okay.  Technically, I did lose.

But the thing is, I really should have won

The judges made an egregious error.  Not unlike the referees at every Bills - Patriots game since 2000.

Perhaps the idiots judges did not understand that they were judging an "Ugly Holiday Sweater Contest."  

Not a Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt Contest.

Please believe me when I tell you that the competition was rather lame.  There were many very Cute Holiday Sweaters, one Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt, and my Ugly Holiday Sweater.

I was not even aware that there was a prize for the ugliest holiday sweater that afternoon, when I randomly carefully attached garland and Christmas ornaments to one of Dave's old sweaters.

(I am quite the seamstress, after all.)

But when I stepped back to examine my masterpiece, I realized that it looked kind of cute.

Like Tiffany's Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt.

So I search the house high and low for some way to make my cute holiday sweater ugly.

When I found my bag of assorted plastic bugs I knew that I'd hit pay dirt.  What could be uglier than a cute holiday sweater with bugs crawling all over it?


(Certainly not a Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt.)

And it was not an easy feat sewing those guys on that sweater.  Especially the ones with all the legs.  Let's just say that there's nothing more frustrating than a tangled mess of insect legs and thread.

(Except, of course, unfairly losing an Ugly Holiday Sweater contest.)

When the drunken blind judges announced that Tiffany was the winner, I stepped back gracefully to let her own the spotlight.

Then I wandered back to Dave, informing him that my sweater was way uglier than Tiffany's Cute Holiday Sweat-shirt.  Which is when he called me a bad loser.

"I want a recount," I whispered to him.

But then I looked at Tiffany.  She looked so happy in her cute holiday sweatshirt, basking in the glory of having unfairly won the Ugly Holiday Sweater contest with her counterfeit ugly sweater.

I remembered that this is the holiday season.  The season of giving.

And those imbeciles judges just gave Tiffany the gift of the Ugly Holiday Sweater award.

Merry Christmas, Tiffany.

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