Saturday, August 10, 2013

Nerdling Fountain of Youth Strategy

I used to be concerned about growing old.
I did not want to look older.  I did not want to feel older.  I did not want to get older.  Period.

That was before I had my epiphany.  My scathingly brilliant idea related to aging. 

Nobody will ever be able to guess my age as I implement my Nerdling Fountain of Youth Strategy.  A technique involving no plastic surgery.  And no wacky Japanese beauty products.

I know what you're thinking.  How can you possibly accomplish such a feat?

I will simply become more immature with each successive year!

I know.  It's stinkin' genius!

I do realize, I will have a fine line to walk.  In fact, I can see a point in my future when some annoying Gen Y-er will likely confuse my immaturity with Alzheimer's Disease.

"Nurse, why isn't that woman in the dementia unit?"  Christina will ask.

"Oh, that's just Lou.  She doesn't have dementia."
"But she's wearing wax lips!"
"She's just immature."

Christina, having significant experience working with Alzeimer's patients will remain doubtful.  "Oh come on!  Who in her right mind would ...wait a minute.  Are those toilet paper earrings?"

"Yes.   Aren't they great?   Lou's always been like this.  But she's sharp as a tack"

I, of course, will smile at the compliment.

Christina will circle me suspiciously. 

"But why is she wearing a headband over her crotch?  She's nuts.  Transfer her to Ward D!"

"That's her Camel Toe cup.  I think it's rather clever.  It hides her camel toe."

Christina will shake her head in disgust.  "Oh my God!" she will say as she looks at my legs.  "I have never seen an 80 year old with such long leg hair!"

"Thank you!" I will say, proudly.

But Christina will not understand the nature of her compliment.   I will actually be closer to 100. 

Perhaps she's the one who should be transferred to Ward D.

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