Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Who Needs a Guardian Kitchen Angel?

That damn Guardian Kitchen Angel won't leave me alone!  She keeps telling me to step away from the recipe.

Listen, bitch.  Just because my Mint Chocolate Cake Cones didn't turn out EXACTLY as pictured in the recipe, doesn't mean I can't make this.

So what if I'm a cake decorating school dropout.  Leave me alone, Kitchen Angel!

Besides.  My enthusiasm more than compensates for my incompetence.

I agree, this recipe looks a wee bit challenging.  But I really, really, really want to make a Monkey Brain Cake.  Let me try, Kitchen Angel!  Please!

It only has 8 steps.  And only 21 Monkey Brain Cake ingredients and equipment.

You start by making a cake and stacking it.  No sweat!!  In step 2 you carve the cake to make it look like the face of a monkey, then "make the ganache on the top of the cake as smooth and flat as possible.  Y'know for resting brains on later."

How can I possibly resist this recipe!?!?!  Go away Kitchen Angel.

In step 3 you add the face detail.  Here's where I might be slightly challenged.  I got an "N" for "Not Yet" in Play Dough 101.  What if my monkey looks like Mick Jagger?  

Or Paris Hilton?

No!  I cannot doubt myself.  I'm sure my monkey will look exactly like the illustration.

Step 4 involves making the mouth detail with something called "Fondant".   (I believe they covered Fondant in my cake decorating class...after I dropped out.)  I have a better idea, anyhow.  I will use my fake chattering teeth instead.  

See, Kitchen Angel?  You of little faith.

Uh-oh.  Step 5 involves covering the cake with that Fondant crap.  I better have a glass of wine before attempting that.  And, in step 6, I will be hand-painting the face details.

Make that 2 glasses of wine.

Excuse me, Kitchen Angel, but I do not need your interference!  Stop doubting my capabilities.

We get to make the brains in step 7, using cherry jello and a brain mold.

A brain mold?  What the heck is a brain mold?  Do they sell brain molds at the Dollar Store?  I can't possibly abandon my project because I don't have a brain mold.

Kitchen Angel, help me find a brain mold!

Never mind.  Being the creative culinary genius that I am, I have already thought of an alternative.  I will use red dye #4 and macaroni noodles.  It will look way better than red jello in a brain mold.

I'm sorry, Kitchen Angel.  You cannot talk me out of this.

Besides.  They don't sell Monkey Brain Cakes at Publix.

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