Considering the Spray Tan

Do I really need a tan? Admittedly I look like Boo Radley standing next to the other strippers on stage. It's the story of my life.

The following is a comprehensive list of the colors my skin has ever been:

• white
• red

Wait.... I forgot bright red. Wait again. Add green to the list (that Halloween I dressed as a green been.) And we can add pale green to the list too, since the tempera paint took a week or so to fade away.

So here's the comprehensive list:

• white
•  red
•  bright red
•  green
•  pale green

Notice that tan is not on the list.

My stripper sisters suggested that I get a spray tan. I decided to do some research on this new approach to becoming bronze. I understand that it's kind like driving through a car wash naked, only your body is the car and tanning spray is the soapy water.

There are definite advantages to spray tans. You get tan quickly without the skin cancer and wrinkles. But my research uncovered some inherent risks: orange hands, blotchy face, stained finger nails, and rings around the armpits.

Let's stop there.  I have to stop center stage, raise my hands and shimmy.  Rings around the armpits will not do.

I can hear it now: 

"Did you see that stripper in the middle? Was that deodorant in her armpits?" 

"No, I think it was that disease that Michael Jackson had - vertigo or something?" 

"I heard it was scarring from her breast implants"

I may change my mind before opening night, but as of right now I'm thinking I would prefer hearing:

"Wow! I never knew Albino strippers could move like that!"