Squeezing Blood from a Turnip

I'd been listening to the same "song" (and I use that term loosely) for nearly 20 minutes.  And it wasn't American Pie.  Or In A Gadda Da Vida.

I was on hold waiting to speak to a MoviePass concierge.

And I was prepared to give that concierge a piece of my mind.

That is, if he ever answered my call.

My conversation would go like this:

ME: Every time I attempt to use my MoviePass I get the same message.  It doesn't matter what theater I select.  I get the same message: There are no more screenings at this theater today.

ME (voice growing in intensity): This morning I noticed that there was a 1:00 screening of Green Book.  A movie I wanted to see!  So I made plans to see it.  But, when I went to check in to the movie, the screening was gone.  It had disappeared from my MoviePass app.  Vanished!                 

ME (taking deep breath): The app showed a 7:00 screening of Green Book so I rearranged my schedule so I could go to the 7:00 show.

CONCIERGE: So, what's the problem?

ME (in a growly voice): When I was getting ready to leave for the 7:00 movie I tapped the MoviePass app and got the message, "There are no more screenings at this theater today."  Poof!

At this point, Dave would interrupt my conversation.

DAVE: Tell him who you are.

ME (covering the phone): What?  Go away!

DAVE: Tell him that you're their most unprofitable customer.

ME: Shut up!  I'm trying to talk to the concierge!

DAVE: You drove them to bankruptcy.

ME: I did not.

CONCIERGE: What did he say?

DAVE (grabbing phone): She saw 75 movies in the past year.

CONCIERGE (irritated): So, it's her fault I'm losing my job?

DAVE: Yep.

CONCIERGE (even more irritated): And she's the reason that my 401K has the same value as a piece of wet toilet paper?!!!!

DAVE: Yep.

ME: Tell him that I want to see Green Book today or else I'm cancelling my MoviePass subscription.

DAVE: You already did.

ME: Oh, yeah.

Suddenly my imaginary conversation was interrupted.  

By the MoviePass concierge!!!!

CONCIERGE:  This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge.  This conversation will be recorded.  Tell me your name.

ME: Mary Lou Clyde

CONCIERGE:  This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge.  This conversation will be recorded.  Tell me your name.

ME (louder and walking closer to wifi router): Mary Lou Clyde.  Can you hear me????

CONCIERGE: This is Marjorie, your MoviePass concierge.  This conversation will be recorded.  Tell me your name.

ME (standing atop the wifi router): Mary Lou Clyde.  Please help me. Please, please, please don't hang up!

CONCIERGE: This is a bad connection.  Please try your call later.

Marjorie hung up.

I screamed.  My low blood pressure hit triple digits.  Kevin began to bark.  

I snatched the land line phone and redialed MoviePass.

MOVIEPASS: We are experiencing high call volume.  Please try your call later.

I reached for the refrigerator door, removed the box of Chardonnay, and poured myself a very well deserved glass of wine.

Dave commented that I should give up on MoviePass.

Are you kidding?

I've got 2 more movies to see before my account goes away on the 14th.  I think Green Book may be playing at Columbiana Grande tomorrow.