It’s not like me to procrastinate. I was afraid. Just thinking about what I had to do caused my heart to quicken.
But it was time to face my fears.
I found a parking spot at Lowes and reluctantly left my car. Walking very slowly.
I took a deep breath. I could do it.
With a sense of dread I entered the store. There it was. Larger than life. The length of 5 football fields.
The Light bulb aisle.
Sweat formed on my brow as I pulled the sheet of paper from my pocket. Type A. 40 watt.
Where, oh where were they hiding?
I was not alone in my misery. There were other shoppers standing there. Transfixed. As if watching an episode of I am Cait on E! TV.
I began to methodically search the aisles. Bottom to top. One step to the right. Top to bottom. One step to the right. Bottom to top.........
Hours later I got to the end of the aisle and was getting hungry.
I had no choice but to ask for help. I stopped an employee. Let’s call him “Bruce.”
“Can you help me find a light bulb?” I asked politely.
“Sure. LED or CFL?” Bruce asked.
“Not the kind that looks like intestines," I said. "I want one that looks like a light bulb. You know? Like an idea lightbulb.”
Bruce considered my answer. “How many Lumens?”
Since I had no idea what a Lumen was, I said, “I guess 40. Or 5,425.”
Bruce nodded and asked me what it was for. “Ooh-Ooh! It’s for a lamp,” I said, pleased that I knew one of the answers.
“Does it screw in or push into the socket?” Bruce asked.
I was back on thin ice. “You push it in and screw it. Righty-tighty I think. Because left- loosy would make it loose, right?”
Bruce nodded and started looking around to see if there were any other customers he could help. Then I remembered the piece of paper in my pocket.
“Ooh-Ooh!” I said, tapping on the paper. “I need type A- 40 watt.”
Bruce walked down the aisle, reached up and handed me a light bulb that was, much to my delight, shaped like a light bulb. “Here you go, Ma ‘am,” he said.
“Thanks!” I said, as he started to walk away. “Wait….I’ve got one more question for you.”
Then, sounding a lot like Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment Bruce said, “I was this close to a clean get-away.”
OK, so he didn’t really say that. But he looked like he was thinking it. Instead he said, “What?”
I said, “How many people does it take to change a light bulb?”
He stopped in his tracks. "How many?"
"Half as many as it takes to buy one."